A Thousand Words

Mungkin ada beribu kata di otak gue sekarang. Nggak tau mana yang harus gue tulis duluan dan mana yang mesti gue simpan rapat-rapat. Gue sekarang lagi banyak pikiran. Pikiran-pikiran ini udah lalu-lalang di kepala gue berbulan-bulan dan makin lama gue makin nggak nyaman. Karena gue nggak tau gue harus cerita mulai dari mana, gue kasih tau aja dulu efek sampingnya ke diri gue. Gue jadi makin males kenal sama orang. Manusia itu egois, jahat, tega, palsu. Gue nggak bilang semua manusia itu palsu, tapi 80% dari manusia yang gue temuin mukanya dua, bahkan tiga. People are so fake and I hate people. I know "hate" is a strong word and I choose to use it. I hate people.

Gue nggak tau apakah gue harus menyalahkan diri gue, karena memilih untuk menunjukkan image yang unapproachable, unfriendly, dan dingin setiap kali gue berinteraksi sama orang-orang yang gue kenal. That's just how I choose to show. Faktanya sifat-sifat itu bukan sifat gue yang sebenernya. I know that, my parents know that, my closest friends know that, my sister and my boyfriend know that, too. Atau apakah gue harus menyalahkan diri gue yang faktanya adalah seorang introvert? Who doesn't like small talks and only like real conversation, who intensively values the few friends I have, who's perfectly comfortable being on my own and who craves a sincere connection? Does that make me look unapproachable? not friendly? not cool? Does that mean I hate people? Does that mean I hate you? No, smarty-pants, no. But I will hate you if you talk behind my back as if you were an expert in Gita-Area. Gue tau gimana bertahun-tahun gue selalu menunjukkan seakan-akan gue adalah orang yang suka marah-marah dan galak. The fact is, orang lain ternyata sama kayak gue. Sama-sama punya batas sabar, sama-sama bisa marah. They can also be annoyed. Bedanya adalah gue selalu bilang kalo gue dibikin kesel, sementara mereka cuma bisa menggerutu di kepala mereka sendiri atau lebih parah, menggerutu di belakang. Can't you just accept the fact that everyone is different?

I hate people, because they easily judge me for no reason. Oh, wait. Maybe because they realize they are just madesu humanbeings and I am more awesome than them. Am I right? What? You call it narcissism? I call it fact. Terkadang suka dateng hate comments ditujukan ke Ask.fm gue dan obviously si pengirim nggak ngasih identitas. Ada yang bilang gue terlalu belagu lah makanya gue dijauhin sama temen-temen di Jerman. Dude, do your research first. Mungkin karena gue nggak pernah foto-foto sama temen-temen gue di Jerman kali ya? Mungkin juga karena gue nggak pernah upload foto gue bareng-bareng temen gue di Path atau Instagram? Ada juga yang bilang gue sok alim, sok bijak, sok apapun. Dear Anon, let's be friends and you will see my true color. Kalo lo cuma suka hura-hura dan cuma suka ngomongin yang nggak penting, indeed lo emang nggak bakal ngerasa cocok sama gue. Because I don't like hura-hura, ketawa-ketiwi nggak ada juntrungan. Karena itu cuma ngebuang-buang waktu gue doang.

And there came another gossip (kayaknya gue hits banget ya di Berlin? Orang-orang pada ngomongin hidup gue mulu soalnya). Banyak orang (you see there? banyak) menganggap gue memaksa Paul untuk pindah agama. Kenapa? Soalnya mereka liat perubahan gue yang sekarang kayaknya religius banget dan bahkan gue sekarang udah pake kerudung. "Eh gue denger-denger Paul pindah agama? Pasti dipaksa deh sama si Gita! Doi kan sekarang kayak yang islam-islam banget gitu. Terus lo tau kan si Paul yang kalem-kalem nurut doang, sementara Gita orangnya galak." Let me tell you, para manusia-manusia, go get a life. Kalo Paul pindah agama, itu gara-gara gue? Kalo Paul sekarang finally bisa make akal-pikiran dia dan figured out this whole religion thing, itu gara-gara gue juga? Mentang-mentang lo ngeliat gue galak, terus lo pikir gue tiap hari marah-marahin dan maksa-maksa Paul buat pindah agama gitu? Is is rude to ask how low your IQ is? Pernah nggak kalian mikir efek apa yang bisa kalian kasih ke orang yang kalian ghibahin ini? Pernah? Apa orang yang lo anggep galak ini, yang lo anggep suka marah-marah ini, nggak punya hati, nggak bisa tersinggung, dan nggak bisa sedih ngedenger omongan lo? Terus sekarang lo officially udah bikin gue bener-bener speechless, marah besar, kecewa besar, sedih, semua perasaan campur aduk. Sekarang apa yang lo rasain? Seneng kah? Puas kah? Gembira kah akhirnya bisa bikin gue tersinggung? What does it make you feel? I know what these all make me feel. I feel like I cannot even trust anyone anymore. I am utterly disgusted by how you literally greeted me whenever we met, how you smiled at me, but you actually talked real bad about me, my life and even my boyfriend. Well, you know what? I'm done knowing you. You should be ashamed of yourself. You came all the way from Indonesia to Germany, tapi nggak satu pun dari diri lo yang berubah jadi baik. Apa lo nggak ada rasa malu? If you are really really really curious about this, why don't you just ask me? I am pretty sure you have my Facebook or even my WhatsApp. Daripada berlagak kayak detektif dan bikin deduction konyol?

Pastinya beberapa dari manusia-manusia ini laporan lah ke Indonesia. Apalagi sih emang yang bakal mereka lakuin selain ini? Too obvious. What is now the aftereffect? The worst you can imagine. Of course it affects Paul, it affects me and my life. It affects us MENTALLY. Do you have any thoughts in mind how I'm feeling right now? I'm feeling no freedom. I have to watch out my mouth, use my social media very carefully, and of course I'm feeling imprisoned in my own life, which is pathetic. I can't really do anything right now, soalnya kalo-kalo gue salah bertindak, gue bisa terjebak sendiri, bisa diserang lagi. You know how haters can alway find your mistake and point their fingers at you again? Gue curhat ke Paul, "Aku sebenernya marah banget, marahh banget. Seandainya ini terjadi sewaktu aku belom berubah. Aku yakin udah aku samperin setiap orang yang ngomongin dan yang ngaduin.". Pada kenyataannya gue nggak ngapa-ngapain. Gue cuma diem aja. Well, gue curhat di Blog sih. At least gue nggak nyebut nama siapa-siapa aja orang ini. Gue merasa itu nggak akan menyelesaikan masalah, bahkan malah memperburuk suasana. Karena kalau mereka beneran gue samperin, cerita tentang gue maksa-maksa yang mereka buat itu seakan-akan beneran. Soalnya gue marah-marah ke mereka. Logika mereka adalah "Ya kalo itu nggak bener, ngapain lo marah?". Sigh... Bless you and your family. I can't curse and I won't.

I feel somehow lonely, because I know I'm gonna go through this alone. But I have to look at the positive side although it's so hard. Kayaknya ini adalah cobaan yang dikasih buat gue dan Paul. Kami udah hijrah, sekarang saatnya kami diuji supaya kami bisa jadi orang-orang mukmin. It feels like we've lost any hope, but Allah promises us that hardship comes with ease and the help of Allah is near. Paul, I know you won't read this. But I just wanna tell you that we can go through this. You are strong and your strength makes me stronger. You've showed me how brave you are. Words can't explain how proud I am of you. Maybe people say you're weak. But I know they have no idea. The road of Allah is surely not easy. We are now going through the hardest time of our lives yet. It's hard, but it's worth it. I feel somehow special and thankful, because He's now giving us chance to be better individuals. We've come so far, we've changed a lot from that to this. We've changed our path. We just need to keep reminding ourselves that with the first step in Jannah we will forget it all. Allah sees all. He sees all.

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