20 years trying to put all things together. So I can get a perfect life. Studying so hard to be the best for myself and to create my future that I've been dreaming of. Because I know, people will never support me nor understand what I'm doing. They just keep judging and tell me that I'm not good enough. They told me that I'm not a good kid, because I'm not as good as they want. I keep telling lies, so I could get your appreciation. He told me I'm not a good girlfriend, because I'm not the right person to talk to, I'm not a good advisor you said. I'm childish, selfish, and a hater. You said I'm a hater. I have my own reason to hate. What a terrible life I've been through, you can't even imagine how much pain deep inside my heart. I never told anyone, because no one cares. I might be strong outside, but you don't know what I do every time I'm alone. Staring at numbers, formulas, science thingy. Thinking about how can I change my life. Wondering what I am actually good at. I thought I had someone. But I just found out I don't. And it feels suck. Every day wondering what is wrong with me. Am I the one to blame? Is it me or you guys suck? What the hell is wrong with you? Why can't I be free? Why can't I be needed and trusted? Why am I always lonely somehow? Stop thinking that I'm strong. I'm not. I'm definitely not. I wanna feel what love really is. I never felt that before. Or maybe I'm not sensitive enough to feel it?
Right, this is my fault. I keep telling myself that everything is gonna be okay. I keep telling you I'm okay. I'm not fucking okay and I will never be okay.
And I hate knowing that you are around me, but you're doing nothing. You're not even trying to help.
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